Disconnection. Apathy.

I watch as (my own) relationships wither, (my own) passions die, (my own) happiness fades and (my own) joy ceases to exist, and yet, I cannot move.

I can do nothing. I’m frozen within my own disconnection. In almost third party observation I’m losing the things which mean the most to me, the people who mean the most to me and I can’t even bring myself to move. Vivid imaginings, fantasies of shattering the glass around me come to me in the smallest hours of the morning. In one massive gesture, filled to the brim with pure vitality I watch myself break free. And then comes light.

At times the glass barrier between my life and I seems to disappear. It’s in those moments I can barely stand up against the grief, the crushing knowledge of what I’ve done. Or more accurately haven’t. In those moments I feel as if I could burst from all I’m feeling. 

The very worst part is that I know in the deepest corners of my mind, that I keep the glass there on purpose. My daily psuedo-mantra ‘I can do nothing,’ becomes weaker and weaker as the cracks of doubt, of truth show. 

I cling to the glass. I love it as much as I hate it. I could not survive feeling so much.